


Only you matters

by DarthWriter



Series: A long way toward making you mine [8]
Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Artist Steve Rogers, Dealing With Addictions, Drinking & Talking, Established Relationship, Light Angst, M/M, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Recreational Drug Use, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Tony Stark Has Issues, Younger Tony
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-27
Updated: 2020-10-27
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:55:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27079951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarthWriter/pseuds/DarthWriter
Summary: Steve and Tony are invited over at Clint and Bucky's. Loki's there.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Clint Barton, Steve Rogers/Tony Stark
Series: A long way toward making you mine [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1898233
Comments: 11
Kudos: 24





	Only you matters

**Author's Note:**

> Right... So... I know some of you have been asking for it for a while and honestly I didn't feel confident about it, besides I thought it'd be better to keep some of the mystery alive but... here you go. I probably screwed it up, I hope you still like it! 
> 
> Looking forward to reading your feedbacks. :D

He can feel his boyfriend's silent presence behind him.The latter skirts around him and his long and thin fingers skim softly the cotton of his shirt, drawing four lines—four burning trails—on his back, from one shoulder to the other.

Tony shivers at the touch. It's just a slight brush but he almost gasps, overwhelmed by the blissed fluttering in his chest. He knows Steve's lips are going to brush over his jawline and plant a delicate morning kiss there, igniting every cell in his body. He _knows_ and yet he shivers every time and tilts his head a little, wishing Steve's plush lips would go further down and kiss him in the neck. He loves being kissed there. He loves when Steve does it. Sometimes he does, he puts a hand on his shoulder and makes the morning greeting embrace linger. Sometimes he just leaves a small instinctive peck on Tony's jaw and moves over to kitchen, leaving Tony thirsty and longing. 

Steve's lips are still wet and his hair is dripping from the shower. The wetness remains on Tony's cheek, one drop of water trickles down his neck. Tony hesitates before wiping it off, partly annoyed by the unpleasant feeling, partly excited because it was Steve who left it there. The excitement is boiling inside. Tony feels blissed and ecstatic still, at all these short moments that have become part of their routine now. He's still feeling amazed.

Everyday he wakes up next to Steve and feels his heart race. Everyday he wakes up and his own lips curl up on their own as he stares down at him. Everyday he remains there, sitting in his bed that has become theirs and watches the soft movement Steve's chest makes when he sleeps. His eyes linger on his lips and how they slightly tremble as he breathes. Everyday he marvels at the beauty and warmth of the moment and makes it last, just a little more. He'd like to tell you exactly what he feels like at this moment, but it's way too intense, way too confusing for him to analyse it. He just enjoys it, hoping it will never stop. He doesn't think about it too much though, because the prospect of this ending gives him anxiety.

Tony tries not to let his anguish show up because today Steve kept the morning greetings short. His eyes don't lift up from his tablet. He will pretend everything is fine and normal and that the simple gesture didn't just overwhelm him, like it does every morning. 

He is crazy. He knows very well he is. Although he tries not to show it too much because the last thing he wants is too be sent to a psycho ward and drugged until there's nothing left of him but a vegetative human-like being, constantly stoned and addicted to anxiolytics. He likes to tell himself it should be fine as long as he's not a danger to other people and he is almost confident he has things to offer to the world before that happens. Besides, he's always had an acute sense of self-preservation. It is a bit contradictory, he'll admit, but no matter how much he tried to hurt himself in the past, his survival instinct always seemed to disagree with that. Maybe he should see this as a sign? Who knows... He has stopped now, anyway, he thinks. Life is too fucking beautiful.

Don't think he is unhappy. He _is_ happy. Very happy. Especially this instant, when Steve has just got up from bed and is getting prepared for his day at SHIELD, when Tony realizes once again that this is not a dream, that they really live together now and that realization rocks his whole world, like every time. The happiness is overwhelming. He smothers a smile and pretends he doesn't care much for his boyfriend's marks of affection. It would be weird if the latter realized just how intensely Tony's entire being reacts to him. So early in the morning. So often in the day. 

And for those moments when Steve is not here... Well, Tony has work. To keep his mind busy and his anxiety under control.

Steve comes back with breakfast for himself and for him. Just as every morning he will throw a bowl of organic muesli mixed up with yogurt and fresh fruits in front of Tony and will scowl at him. Tony will pretend he doesn't want it and pout and say he only needs coffee and food is overrated anyway. Steve will cross his arms and stubbornly frown at him until Tony eats the first spoon. Sometimes, he makes his you-need-a-healthier-diet speech, sometimes he just sighs annoyedly. 

Tony will eat the bowl regardless and savor the moment. Truth is, Tony doesn't need to be here. He should already be downstairs in fact, but he purposely stays, pretends to be focused on his tablet and busy with work just to enjoy this moment. Just for the pleasure of feeling Steve's hands brush over his back and his wet hair against his skin and having him scowl at him and worry about his health. Truth is, Tony would do anything to make Steve happy. Even eating breakfast when he's not hungry. Even wait three years to finally live together. Even quit smoking, the only bad habit he had wished to keep because it really calmed his nerves. He just wishes he knew how to make Steve happy.

He hears Steve sit down in front of him and they eat together in silence and his heart is fluttering, just because of his boyfriend's warm and reassuring presence next to him. Tony doesn't dare look up and stare at him. He is afraid he might blush or something or just smile goofily against his will. Steve probably knows Tony is not completely sane, he'd just rather he didn't know how far and deep his craziness actually goes. Some things are better left in the dark. That doesn't mean Tony isn't being honest with his boyfriend, because he is. He tries to be, at least. As honest as he can. He knows how important this is to Steve.

Steve chuckles in front of him. Tony raises his eyes and is momentarily dazed by the smile on his boyfriend's adorable morning face. He doesn't speak but he must have looked slightly curious because Steve answers his unsaid question before he even has the time to think of it.

"Look at your hand." He says while giving a nod in the direction of Tony's right hand. Then he rolls his eyes affectionately and goes back to his breakfast with a soft, happy smile on his lips.

Tony doesn't need to look at his hand to become instantly self-conscious and start blushing. He's holding his hand in the air, fingers slightly parted as if to hold a phantom cigarette between his index and big fingers. The gesture is so natural to him, he hasn't even realized. It's not so surprising when you think about it, Tony has been doing this for years, drinking coffee while reading his tablet, checking his e-mails or the last blueprints for the next SI product launch, and smoking his first cigarette of the day at this very same table. The habit is ingrained in himself. He's trying his best to change that but some things take time. He should know, he's been on therapy for seven years now and he's still struggling. 

Tony hasn't touched a cigarette once since he smashed his pack in his hand up on that roof though. A small victory.

Steve is staring at him from across the table, his gaze is burning but gentle and supportive. Tony's heart skips a beat but again, he ignores the feeling. Steve gives him a gentle smile that rocks his world again. It's too much for Tony who drops his gaze on his tablet again, he changes hands to keep his right hand busy, still feeling self-conscious. Sharing breakfast with Steve is too unsettling.

Steve is busying himself with his own phone and speaks again, after a short moment. "Clint's inviting us on Friday night."

Tony immediately answers, without looking up. "can't."

He's not even lying. There are some issues with the latest Starkpad that came back from the tests that absolutely need to be fixed by Saturday, he's pretty sure he will have to pull one or two all-nighters to meet the deadline. That doesn't mean he's not glad to have a valid excuse for skipping yet another dinner with Steve's friends. Not that he doesn't like them, he does, especially Clint. It's just that, contrary to Steve, he doesn't feel the need to see them every three days and have them on the phone several times a day.

It might sound as a surprise to you but Tony is actually a bit of a loner, and socially awkward. He has learnt how to be a socialite. He knows his way with people. He knows how to be fun, how to be a good guest, how to be a good host, how to rock a party... but none of this comes naturally to him. It is mostly an act and while he appreciates the company of Steve's friends and doesn't feel the need to pretend with them anymore, to be completely honest, sometimes he'd rather stay in his workshop in the company of his bots. He thinks Steve knows that about him, even if he never said anything, because his boyfriend doesn't insist.

Steve doesn't look or sound disappointed, he just shrugs and says "okay" while texting Clint back. But maybe that's because they've been living rather independently so far, each of them doing their own things, and only seeing each other for the best moments. Life as a couple is relatively new to them. Maybe they need time to adjust. Tony does wonder if that's actually normal, only for a second or two, but he forgets about it soon enough because it suits him this time.

Steve is ready to go, Tony should go as well. He has been ready for a while actually but stayed to spend some more time with his boyfriend. The latter is cleaning up his space, rather quickly, and walks over to him on his way out. He curls a hand around his neck, caressing his jaw with a thin thumb. Tony loves it. He always loved Steve's hands anyway. That might have been one of the first things he noticed about him actually. Steve smiles at him silently and gives him a languorous kiss that warms Tony's entire body before leaving for work.

Tony looks up into his eyes. They're gentle, playful, just as bright as his wide smile. Tony stares fondly at his laugh lines and thinks they're very sexy. And then he stares at his plump bottom lip and wishes Steve would grant him another kiss. He looks up again when he hears his boyfriend chuckle softly and notices Steve's eyes glancing on the left, at his hand. Tony realizes it is up again, still holding a phantom cigarette, with a slight tremor. He feels self-conscious again but doesn't have the time to dwell on it because Steve slips his fingers in his hand and squeezes tight. He grabs his neck with his other hand this time and kisses him again, languorously, _possessively_ even. Tony likes that very much, he feels dazed. There's a thread of saliva connecting them when Steve's pulls out and he licks it off his lips before giving him another smile, slightly lustful this time. 

"Have a good day at work." He says with a dark twinkle in his eyes. "I'll see you tonight." 

His voice is a little too husky for Tony to remain clear-headed so early in the morning. It tingles at the bottom of his stomach.

* * *

Tony is deeply focused on the blueprints when Steve's phone rings. 

That doesn't mean he doesn't listen to the conversation. You should know Tony is perfectly capable of doing two things at the same time, and he does them very well, per say.

He wouldn't call this spying. After all, if Steve didn't want him to listen he wouldn't take his phone calls in his workshop while he's there, working. He does wonder though, if Steve realizes how much Tony pays attention to that kind of details.

It's Clint on the phone, probably telling him he's going to be late and Steve doesn't need to rush or something like that. Tony isn't sure, he can't hear Clint's voice from where he's standing, only Steve's hums and short answers.

"Yeah, yeah, no worries. I wasn't going to anyway... " Steve says. Then he pauses and laughs and Tony can even hear the smile in his voice when Steve hums again, even though he's turning his back to his boyfriend and hasn't looked up from his blueprints once. "I'll see you in a bit." Steve finally says while pinching, or maybe licking, his lips. "It's great that Loki's back. It's been a while. Looking forward to see him."

Tony drops the pen that apparently was in his hand. His own treacherous heart makes a leap.

"I'll come with." He rushes to say, against all common sense. He speaks loudly, loud enough for Steve to notice he was talking to him anyway. Deadlines be damned. Who needs a deadline anyway? Tony can do the fuck he wants, he _is_ Stark Industry.

He hears Steve make a startled noise and pause and guesses he's probably looking at him right now. He can feel the warmth of his gaze on his shoulders and tenses. 

Steve's voice is a little hoarse when he asks, probably pushing a hand onto the phone's speaker to smother the sound so Clint wouldn't hear their conversation. "You _what?_ I thought you were busy tonight..."

Tony shrugs, pretending he's still working on his blueprints. His heart beats a little too fast for him to be efficient though. "I'm almost done. I'll be able to make it after all."

That's a big fat lie. Never mind. It's not like Steve cares about what he's doing at work. Everything he does is a bore

Steve doesn't answer right away and Tony supposes he must be a little perplexed, maybe a little annoyed too, but he doesn't say it outwardly. "'kay." He mutters after a short hesitating while. And then he speaks on the phone again. "Oh and, by the way, Tony's coming."

* * *

Tony thinks he hates Loki.

No, he hates Loki, it's a fact. And why is it him, of all people, who opens the door to them anyway? Who does that? Welcoming guests in other people's house... And why is he already here? They're not even late for once.

He isn't sure why he hates Loki. Loki seems to be a pretty cool guy, there's no objective reason for Tony to hate him and yet, he makes his skin crawl.

Maybe because he's so tall... Not that Tony has ever felt threatened by taller guys, on the contrary, Thor is just as tall and every time Tony sees him he wants to climb him like a tree. And sometimes, in his deepest and darkest thoughts, he fantasizes about his big hands holding his waist and pressing hard into his hipbones, pinning him against the nearest table. But that is another issue... He pushes the thought away, because one, Thor is actually _in_ the room and two, well, obviously he's not supposed to have that kind of thoughts, is he? Why would he think about things like that anyway? It's not like he actually _wants_ it.

The point is, not a size problem. Maybe it's a _built_ problem. Loki has long thin legs, a slender figure, tiny hips... There's... _something_ about him, something sensual, something attractive that none of the other guys in the room have. Not even Steve. Not that the other guys in the room aren't attractive, because they are, objectively speaking, and as far as Tony's concerned, he has, at some point in his life, been attracted to all of them. Sort of... Well, let's say Tony gets easily turned on. He's not sure he should admit that however. Better not.

Or is it the age thing? Loki is about eight years older than him and Steve seems so happy to meet with people that, unlike him, are mature and act like grown-ups. Rhodey reminds him that quite often, thank you. And by the way, he did grow up and he's acting all mature and everything with his boyfriend, he's trying to anyway. And he thinks he deserves people like Rhodey to admit that at least. Anyway, he wouldn't say Loki is the epitome of maturity either, behaviorally speaking he means. Besides, he's never felt that way with Sam, hating him for no reason, he means. Even though Sam has always been hostile to him. He doesn't take it personally. Sam is just being a good friend and overly protective and, honestly, Tony can't blame him. He would even go as far as saying he's glad someone has Steve's back the way Sam does. Doesn't mean that Tony hasn't wanted to punch him in the face once or twice... but Sam doesn't rub him the wrong way like Loki does.

Loki repulses him, he thinks. He can't even say for sure that it's something physical, because in all honesty, Loki's pretty hot and Tony isn't only saying that because he has pretty low standards regarding his sexual partners but in other circumstances, he would gladly and definitely fuck Loki. Because, yeah, Loki is admittedly very fuckable, even if he's approaching his forties and a few sexy grayish strands of hair are interspersed on his temples. Besides, Tony likes the way he ties them into a small ponytail at the lower back of his head. Tony always had a thing for older guys anyway, everyone knows that. He does wonder if the haircut would suit him for a minute or two though. Should he change his hairstyle? Steve used to have a thing for guys with long hair after all. 

And seeing the way Steve is currently warmly and welcomingly responding to Loki's very long—and _intense—_ hug right now, apparently it's still the case.

Seriously, are they glued to each other or what? And did Steve have to laugh so happily when they exchanged greetings? Oh and now he's patting him on his back, really...

The entire scene just irks Tony in the deepest parts of himself. Gosh, he really hates this guy.

Loki finally lets go of _his_ boyfriend and nods toward him. He walks closer—Tony almost recoils—and pats him on the shoulder. Tony just hopes he didn't make a face because he kept himself from staring at his own shoulder, in case it was stained or something after Loki's touch. It wouldn't be nice and he doesn't want to upset Steve.

"You okay man?" Loki asks without meaning it—Tony will not grant him with a reply anyway, so it doesn't really matter. "Glad you could make it!" He adds with a sly smile.

As if...

Maybe that's _it._ Maybe that's the sly, seductive and mischievous part of him that he hates. It reminds him of... It reminds him a little of... He internally pouts. _Yeah... never mind._

Fortunately their host, the real one this time, finally dares showing up at the entrance and Tony snaps out of it. Clint ruffles Steve's hair and gives him a peck on the cheek, a huge happy grin on his face. And then he turns to Tony, his left hand curls around his waist and pulls him toward him while his right hand snatches the bottle cradled in Tony's hands. He kisses him on the corner of his mouth and whispers sensually in his ear. "Thank you baby Stark, you always know how to make me happy." And this is certainly true. Tony knows how to please his hosts and that's partly because he knows Clint very well and Clint has never been shy about sharing his tastes and partly because Tony listens, and observes, and always makes a point to giving people what they want. He thinks he got that from his mother but doesn't dwell on it too much because thinking about her brings back depressive thoughts and he doesn't like being a spoilsport at a dinner party.

The gesture between them is very intimate and Clint's hand lingers on his hip and maybe Tony leans into him a little. Tony is always surprised at first but melts into it in the end because it's Clint and it's affectionate and it doesn't mean what people might think it means. And it might have started this way because Clint is promiscuous and very tactile and Tony tends to let other men— _people—_ touch his body like it's public property but after all those years, it just means they're close intimate friends, and Tony likes when Clint touches him. Not the way he likes when Steve touches him, indeed. It feels more like a brotherly embrace. Steve's touch is possessive, very intense, and Tony's body warms up and shivers every time. Steve's touch shakes him to the core. Clint's touch is just comforting. 

Tony doesn't let that many people touch him anymore anyway, mostly his friends. He has surprisingly managed to set up some boundaries. Not that his body isn't responsive anymore but rather that, after years of therapy, he thinks he's finally able to make out the situations when it's fine and those when it's not. And when he's not sure, he just needs to think about Steve and if he can picture his disapproving frown in his head, it means it must be fairly inappropriate and so he can say _no._ This is also another thing therapy helped him through. He _can_ say no. Although it's much much easier to say it knowing that he belongs to Steve. There isn't much certainty in Tony's life but this is one of them. A constant, a truth that Tony is holding on to, to keep himself afloat. 

Steve knows about rights and wrongs. Steve is his gauge... because the line separating them is still blurry in Tony's head.

Steve doesn't glare at them this time though, obsessed with staring at Loki with eyes filled with wonders—Has Tony already said he hates this guy?—which is a shame, Tony thinks. He wouldn't admit it but it bothers him a little. He perfectly knows this is not nice but he's always relished in riling Steve up. He loves when Steve is being jealous and possessive. He loves it when his boyfriend is gritting his teeth and clenching his fists whenever someone so much as looks at Tony in a slightly flirty way. It is one of those small bits of happiness Tony grants himself. And he does know this is kind of wrong to do this on purpose but he has never been accused of being a good guy, and Steve is good for both of them anyway...

In fact, one of Tony's secret fantasies is to see Steve fight for him. He hopes it never happens though, because the last thing he wants is for Steve to hurt himself, but in the darkest places of his head he does imagine it and his entire self vibrates at the thought, just like it did the first time he met him. 

Steve doesn't seem to give a shit tonight however and Tony wonders if he should make out with Clint a little, to get his attention, but he pushes the stupid thought away. That would be the mature thing to do, he reckons, and he wouldn't have had the time to do it anyway because Clint has already whirled away and left him puzzled at the entrance while his boyfriend is walking toward the living room, curled up in Loki's embrace, both of them laughing. He looks at the scene with a certain aloofness, that same feeling of disgust pooling in his stomach, and finally mutters up the courage to join everyone. Everyone being Thor, Bucky and the happy couple reunited. He suddenly feels the urge to leave.

It's not like he wanted to come in the first place. He was busy and the amount of work he's going to have to compensate for the loss of an entire evening is already giving him a headache. He wonders what came over him to suddenly decide he wanted to come after all. It's not like they have to do everything together. They never had, why would things suddenly change just because they live together now?

The thing is, whether they are together or not, Steve remains one of Tony's unhealthy obsessions. Rhodey always says that he should get a life outside of Steve, his therapist agrees, even Tony agrees, on principle. Surely that would be the healthiest thing to do but he also thinks he already has a life outside of Steve. He's plenty busy with things that are not Steve-related. He doesn't even find enough time to _be_ with Steve...so he doesn't really understand what Rhodey means.

His unsure steps lead him to sit next to Thor who is already chatting with Bucky. One of them he keeps having dirty thoughts about and the other being quite distant, as usual. Bucky has always been keeping his distance. Not outwardly, he doesn't think Steve ever noticed, but Tony does notice that kind of things. He has always been good at reading people, at seeing their faults even the ones that are well hidden. He thinks it might be a self-protecting skill of some sort... and Bucky has always been kind of hostile. Not the same way Sam is, Sam is just being a protective friend. It's more insidious. Bucky sees him like a competition, like the guy who stole his best friend—slash—sex buddy—slash—lover away from him. Although, it might also have something to do with Steve's first birthday. Tony isn't sure but he can tell that Bucky has been wary of him from day one and is still suspicious, sometimes ostensibly antipathetic. Steve is really the only one here who's so naive as to think Tony gets along well with all of his friends. 

Tony doesn't really have a choice however. Steve and Loki are already deeply in the process of catching things up. He doesn't even want to try to get involved. He's at least three drinks short for that. Hopefully Clint will join soon.

Thor throws a heavy arm around Tony's shoulders that makes him feel small and fragile. Thor is loud and cumbersome. He's a nice, carefree, open-minded guy who likes having fun. Tony is sure they could get on with each other well, he just never really had the opportunity to get to know him more than the basics. He has more affinity for his wife-to-be, they obviously have many things in common and besides, Tony's always been more comfortable around women, men tend to make him feel like he needs to be on his guard all the time, but Jane is not here tonight.

Thor should know better than just casually touch Tony like that though, because half of the time he speaks to him, Tony's barely listening, what with being obsessed with the broadness of his chest and all. It's hard to stay focused, especially when he's already gulped down his second beer. Sometimes he even goes as far as to picture in his head all those sexual positions he is sure Thor would be capable of doing with Jane, when gifted with such a built. The Kama Sutra can't compete with Tony's wild imagination.

Tony is good at conversations however and it's easy for him to make Thor speak. It's a nice distraction and people generally like talking about themselves so when you listen to them it's easier to get them to trust you. Thor is a relatively easy guy to handle, easier than Bucky anyway, and the upward side of it, Bucky soon gets bored of Thor's ups and downs and joins Steve and Loki's catching-up instead. Tony is a good listener and he makes mental notes to remember the details. You never know, it might come in handy in the future.

Clint finally comes back with a round of homemade cocktails of his own. Good, because Tony needs the alcohol right now. Beer is too light. Clint's arrival means the party's finally getting started but everything revolves around Loki, because he kind of was the reason behind this friendly get-together, Tony learns. Maybe that explains why Steve didn't insist when Tony said he couldn't come...

He's not as immature as to actually go sulking at the end of the couch but almost. He just half-listens to the conversations while sipping his third drink and tries not to stare too much at his boyfriend. He doesn't particularly want to look creepy and he's got the feeling that he's on the verge of it. So when Clint leaves again to fetch more food, Tony follows him to the kitchen. One because he needs another drink and two because he just wants to escape this conversation. Steve and him should host dinner parties more often, he just thinks, this way when he feels like fleeing again he could just sneak out to his workshop.

Clint's arranging toasts. "Need help?" Tony asks.

"I'm good," Clint answers with a shrug, "but you can open that bottle if you want." Tony complies and when he's done he pours himself another drink and gulps it down. Then he stares at his empty glass and looks at the bottom of it with a sense of desperation. He unintentionally sighs, which catches Clint's attention. "Want another beer?" He asks while glancing surreptitiously at him. "Or something stronger?"

Tony leans against the kitchen counter and stares at the others from afar. He can see Steve, smiling, and thinks he's beautiful. Something clenches in his stomach. He looks down at his empty glass again. "I could do with something stronger..." He croaks out.

"Sure!" Clint nods, while busying himself with more food. "Go easy on it though, we don't want you to wind up in the gutters in your own vomit."

Tony chuckles while clutching his empty glass. Maybe his hand trembled a little. "I don't do that..." he replies while shaking his head, "anymore." At least, it hasn't happened for quite a while now.

Clint doesn't comment, Tony just hears him humming. "I'll make you something special." He mutters softly and a few moments later, after some chopping and whirring, Clint's handing him a huge glass of something that looks like a smoothie but smells a lot like rum. Tony takes it, a little perplexed, and takes a tentative sip. He almost lets out a moan while the liquid warms his throat.

Clint pauses and raises an eyebrow at him, arms crossed against his chest. "Good?"

Tony glances at him, showing a wide smile. He swallows another swig and closes his eyes to appreciate all the flavors. "Great." It is heavy-laden though.

"Strong enough?" 

Tony nods slowly, eyes still closed, enjoying all the different sensations the mixture gives him. When he opens his eyes again, Clint is smirking. "You need to teach me how to make those," he says, "they're amazing," and he stares at Steve again. Steve liked the first cocktail, he's pretty sure he'll love this one, minus the extra charge of rum, of course.

"Sure. Why don't you help me make them another round?"

Tony will gladly do it. He's never been good at cooking but if that's what it takes to please his boyfriend, Tony is not above learning a trick or two. After all, it worked with Clint, didn't it? It's always a plus to acquire new skills and it might turn out to be useful, you never know. In fact, there's about nothing Tony wouldn't do to make Steve happy. He just needs to know _what_ to do exactly. That's the part of the puzzle he hasn't been able to solve yet. 

Tony made Steve's drink while Clint had the time to make the four others. He looks at it proudly. It doesn't look as yummy as Clint's do but at least he poured all his love in it. He smiles smugly and glances at Steve again, his smile fades a little. He doesn't feel so confident anymore. He feels stupid. He puts the drink on the platter, next to the others, and takes back his own glass. He leans against the counter again and looks at his boyfriend longingly while sipping his strong cocktail. Steve looks somehow fascinated. And he understands why, really. Loki is a great guy, experienced. He's met everyone, done everything, been everywhere. Tony gets why anyone might be drawn to someone like him. The guy's got so many exciting stories. A vision of life so different, so refreshing. Tony hasn't been very attentive but he heard enough and he has to admit that he sounds like an interesting guy. Plus he's friendly and easy-going. Unlike Tony...

Tony's been all around the world too, but he hasn't seen anything of it. Just the same luxurious hotel rooms, serving the same continental breakfasts, in the same buffets. He's always met with the same kind of people, with always the same agendas. He knows nothing. Nothing of the world, nothing of life. He's boring. The only thing he can talk about is science shit that bores just about everyone except Bruce and Jane. Tony has nothing to offer, nothing apart from his money and his pretty face. One of those two things Steve despises and the other getting closer and closer to its expiration date by the day.

Clint nudges him in the ribs. "Why the long face?" He has taken a beer that he drinks straight from the bottle and leans against the kitchen counter next to him, taking a break from cooking for everyone.

Tony turns to him and tries to smile back. "I'm just tired, I think..." 

Clint puts a firm comforting hand on his shoulder and presses it gently. "Don't do this to yourself, man."

 _Doing what?_

He turns to him questioningly. Clint smiles gently at him and shakes his head. "You keep staring at your boyfriend like you're carrying the world's misery on your shoulders, as if you guys had already broken up." Tony opens wide eyes. Was he that obvious? "Stop thinking that you're not enough, Tony. Because I can tell you that this guy over there," he points at the four men chatting livelily in the living room with his own drink in hand, "swears only by you."

If only that were true.

Tony stares at Steve again and swallows down the rest of his drink. Steve has now a hand on Loki's knee and the other on Bucky's and smiles at his best friend with his innocent, oblivious face. Tony never thought he would ever hate Steve's obliviousness. It was supposed to be cute. He cringes, puts his empty glass on the counter and keeps gazing at his boyfriend, a little too intensely maybe.

He can't help thinking that Steve had sex with the two of them. He can't stop imagining it. He knows everything about Bucky, he thinks, but Loki... How many times did they do it? Where did they do it? In what position? Was it rough or gentle? Was Steve on top?

He's partly aroused—because, yeah... _hot!_ — and partly annoyed. Tony knows very well Steve has a past. He's not even sure he actually wins in terms of number of partners... After all, Steve is far from being a prude and they've both been sexually active for almost twenty years. Tony is pretty certain Steve has fucked a lot of men in the ass before him and he doesn't care. He wouldn't even care if he did it now, probably. But Steve never fucked anyone who mattered before. All his exes were exclusive tops, at least with him. Tony had that for himself, he thought, until now, but looking at Loki right now... he isn't so sure anymore. He has the feeling Loki isn't the kind of guy who would let go of the opportunity to get a good fuck from an amazing top with a big fat cock such as Steve, way too cunning for that. Maybe he's grinding his teeth a little.

"How is monogamy working for you guys?" 

Clint almost spills his beer and looks at him with a grin. Tony turns to him and stares at the bottle with too much yearning. "Trouble in paradise already?"

He startles. He really did not expect that kind of reply. He pauses, wondering. Are they in trouble? As far as Tony's concerned, he's never been as happy as those last months of sharing a life with Steve. "Hum, no... We're fine." He finally says. "I mean, we're good. It's been amazing so far. I mean, it's perfect when it's just the two of us." 

Clint's smile is gentle, slightly teasing. He hums softly.

"I was just wondering..." Tony explains. "You know, if after four years you were still... If you didn't get bored or something... I mean, of each other."

Clint's smile fades a little and he stares down, chuckling softly. He inhales and lets out a long sigh before he answers, his finger softly brushing the neck of his beer. "I can't say it's still as hot and fiery as when we started dating, we've known each other for more than ten years... but we're not...we're not getting bored. We're trying new things, we're still... _exploring_ , discovering things about each other. It's different. And we're... It's helped us focus on us, I guess, on our couple, our projects... I mean, we _have_ been discussing about opening things again, to some extend, but it's not gonna happen anytime soon, I think. We're good for now." He pauses and glances at his husband for a few seconds. "Well, I can't tell you about Buck but... It works for me and I haven't really been tempted, so far." Tony is all ears, looking at his friend expectantly. "Why are you asking anyway? Are you worried about getting bored?"

Something clenches in Tony's stomach. He just shrugs. "No!" He blurts out and wriggles his hips to find a better position against the counter. "I won't get bored," he adds while looking down at his feet. Without a drink, he doesn't know what to do with his hands, so he grabs the counter nervously.

Clint bites back a grin. "Oh, I see... You're worried _Steve's_ gonna get bored."

Tony swallows and ignores the heat he feels spreading on his cheeks. He jerks his head up and stares right into Clint's eyes. "So what are your projects about?" He still doesn't know what to do with his hands.

Clint stares back, a knowing smirk on his lips. "What projects?"

Tony shrugs again. "Don't know, you just said it's helped you focus on your projects... Have you talked about having kids yet?"

Clint's smile softens and he looks away, staring into space. "We have..." He says elusively.

Tony can't help feeling overly excited about it. He grins to himself. "And?" 

"And I don't know..." Clint answers. "It's not that easy. For us, I mean..." He takes a deep breath and gulps down a swig of his beer. "I mean, in other circumstances, yeah, but... I'm not sure anymore if we're really gonna take that step or not."

Tony feels the disappointment hitting hard. "Why not?" His voice sounds almost hurt, for some reasons.

"Major disagreement, I guess. I don't know..."

Tony feels a pang in his chest. He doesn't even know why. It's none of his business, actually. Clint just looks down suddenly and he feels for him. "I always pictured future you with kids." He says hoarsely. 

Clint chuckles mirthlessly. "Me too. I've always wanted kids. I was thinking four or five..." He laughs again, this time with some sort of melancholic amusement. "but I guess your dreams change as you grow up."

"Bucky doesn't want kids?"

Clint shrugs and takes another swig. "It's not that... I mean it's complicated. It's not like we can just fuck and it happens, right?" 

Yeah, sure. It's not like Tony didn't know about that. He was just thinking that... they had options. He looks at Clint silently, maybe a little questioningly. 

"I want to adopt." Clint finally explains. "It's important to me. I told myself I would, even before I met Buck, you know? After everything I went through... There're so many kids that need a home. And I don't care if they're not infants. I feel like I've got so much love to give, you know?"

It's weird but Tony does know, although he doesn't understand. His own heart feels dried up. He doesn't think he will ever be able to care fo a kid, for someone other than Steve, period.

"Buck doesn't want to adopt. He's scared I think... He wants a kid of his own. And I'm not sure how I feel about surrogacy... I mean it bothers me a little, ethically speaking."

Tony looks at his friend while something clenches inside. He's never thought about it before. He was just thinking that there's nothing money can't buy and feels suddenly like a rich asshole.

"We're still talking about it, though. We _have_ other options... but I can't help feeling like it's getting more and more unreachable. I kinda have come to terms with it actually. I'm happy with just the two of us."

Tony feels very close to his friend suddenly. They have probably always been close in hindsight. They understand each other. Tony would give up so much for Steve if he didn't stop himself. 

"What about you guys?" Clint asks innocently.

Tony startles. "Kids were never an option." He blurts out. "Do you seriously think Steve would want kids?"

Clint laughs. "Honestly? I don't... but I always thought you'd be able to change his mind about it."

He says it as if he'd been certain for _years_ that Tony and Steve would build a life together. Tony isn't even sure Steve will still be with him next month. He chuckles. "I don't want kids either. What would I do with a kid?" He stares down at his empty hands. His right hand is trembling again.

Clint smiles gently and puts a warm hand on his shoulder. "I wasn't talking about kids anyway... but the two of you, finally tying the knot. When are you gonna propose?"

Tony burst out laughing. That was so out of line. "Never!" 

Clint gives him a dubious look. "Never?" He repeats skeptically, crossing his arms on his chest with that same unsettling certainty about them. He is standing very close to Tony and their shoulders touch. It feels warms.

Tony crosses his arms too and shrugs. "I don't think Steve would like to be Mrs Stark... And we're just—we've just moved in together. Marriage is... so far away from our current life."

Clint leans against him and pats his shoulder again, pressing it with a strong hand. His face is very close and he almost whispers in his ear. His voice is hoarse. "Yeah but... you'd like to be Mrs Rogers, right?"

It might be everything Tony ever wanted, in his deepest fantasy.

He feels the heat creeping on his face again and chuckles embarrassedly. "Yeah but... I'm not sure I'll be able to give up on the name, you know... It's like a curse."

And Tony isn't talking about a surname. It's much more than that but Clint understands, he thinks, because he nods silently, pinching his lips with a certain seriousness in his expression. He curls his arms around him and brings him closer to him, nuzzling against his neck a little. "You know what I'm thinking?" He says hoarsely. "I'm glad you could make it tonight. It feels like forever since the two of us could talk like this."

"We saw each other last week." Tony answers matter-of-factly.

"I mean the way we used to have lunch together. I've missed that."

Tony inches away, heart racing a little. "Yeah I'm sorry 'bout that." He mutters guiltily. "I've been really busy lately. I'm the worst."

Clint tightens his embrace and shakes him a little. "Hey," he whispers softly. "Stop blaming yourself for everything. I've been busy too, you know. We're all busy."

"But you're making time for organizing dinner parties. I've never even invited you once in the penthouse since Steve moved in."

"I get it, Tony. You two love birds needed time to enjoy your newlywed's home." He smiles gently, reassuringly and looks at Tony's hand. It is shaking again. "Do you need another drink, baby Stark?"

Tony would love a drink, although he's already feeling properly buzzed. That's not what he needs though. Among the long list of Tony's addictions, alcohol is probably the most manageable, stopping has never really been a problem and he can live without it, he thinks. He stares at his boyfriend who looks like he couldn't care less about what Tony's been up to. He ignores the pang in his chest and appreciates that his mind feels already numb. A drink sounds like a nice option right now.

"Actually," he croaks out, "I could do with another drink but..."

Clint tsks and stares down at him with a frown. "How many have you had?"

Tony shrugs. "Don't know... Four...Five... not that much actually. I'm fine."

"You sure? 'Cause I don't wanna get in trouble with a certain someone for getting you drunk off your face. You know how scary your boyfriend can be."

Tony nudges his ribs and grins. "Shut up and give me another drink." 

"Fine. But I'll give you a beer this time." Clint turns around and bents down to grab a couple of beers from the fridge. Tony stares at his ass and at the tattoo that sneaks out of his pants. He doesn't have time to leer though because Clint straightens up in a jerk and hands him a beer before opening one for himself. Then he checks the oven and stands up again, leaning against the counter next to Tony but less close than before.

They clink their glasses while staring at their respective lovers and drink a first swig. Tony is glad to have something in his hand again and he enjoys the bitter taste of his beer but something's missing. 

He leans against Clint, not really looking at him properly. "Hey..." He starts with an ill-intentioned grin. "Do you still have your secret stash?"

Clint turns to him and stares at him questioningly, expression confused at first. "I thought you quit."

Tony shrugs. "I quit nicotine..."

Clint raises a skeptical eyebrow. "Isn't that the same thing?"

Tony sighs. "Don't be a drag, Clint! When do I get the time to have some fun?" 

A sly grin spreads on Clint's face and he chuckles. "Alright," he consents. "Let me get those to the others first and come with me."

Clint takes out whatever smells awesome from the oven and lays them on a huge plate. Tony follows him to the living room where the four other guys are still chatting and drinking. The level of alcohol has risen up since Tony left. They're _loud._

Clint puts down the plate of food and is welcomed with cheering and whistling but he remains modest about it. He just leans down to kiss his husband on the forehead and the latter answers with an innocent, though affectionate, caress on his hip before demanding a languorous kiss that Clint gives him happily.

Tony wishes he could do the same but he doesn't think Steve would like that. He keeps his distance instead, cradling his beer in his hand, and doesn't even dare look at his boyfriend in the eye.

Clint walks back to him before the uneasiness settles in his heart and hooks his shoulder to lead him to their bedroom with a mischievous smile.

It's not the first time Tony sees Clint and Bucky's bedroom. He's been there plenty of times before but only for a few minutes. Just enough to put his stuff down. He's never taken the time to actually look at it.

The decor is eccentric. Just like Clint is, he supposes. There's absolutely no logic behind it. No style, no coherence. It's just heaps stuff that have no connection whatsoever. Knickknacks of all sorts, beautifully arranged however. At least Tony thinks so. He loves the atmosphere, it is so Clint. Pepper would completely freak out though. He internally laughs while imagining the face she would make if she were to see this, trying to remain polite by repressing a disgusted grimace. 

Tony slumps down on the bed and kicks off his boots. He hauls himself up on the bed, making sure he doesn't spill beer on it, so that he can slouch down on the cushions while Clint is tiptoeing on a tool, searching for something hidden on the top shelves of the huge storage unit on the walls surrounding their bed.

Tony takes some time to contemplate the room and each detail of it while he sips his beer slowly. It's very well thought of, he thinks, contrarily to what people might think. Tony is pretty sure he can catch a lot of the references. He smiles to himself until he notices something hard under his shoulder blade. He twists around and puts the beer down on the bedside table in order to grab the thing that keeps poking at his back and stares at it bewilderedly. 

He can't repress a burst of laughter. He must be pretty drunk already. "Clint?"

Clint jerks his head around and looks at him with a deadpanned expression. "Oh man, I'm sorry. I'd forgotten about that." He explains without an ounce of shame in his voice. "Don't worry, it's clean."

Tony chuckles again and stares at the double-ended dildo—of quite a _decent_ size, if he might say so—that wiggles in his hand. "Good to know..." He mutters drily. That was the last thing he expected to find in Clint's and Bucky's bed. "But seriously, guys?"

Clint has finally found what he was looking for and is now rolling a joint while standing next to the bed. He just shrugs without looking up from it. "What? Told you, we're experimenting. It's fun. Put that away, will you? There's a box under the bed."

Tony looks down under the bed, still partly confused, partly amused, and also partly aroused, not that he's been imagining things... Right, he _totally did._ He forages for the said box, which is _huge_ by the way, and opens it. The contents of it almost make him blush. He's not being a prude, he just never expected this and the huge collection of sex toys, some of them _really_ big, has him a little stunned.

"Oh—My—God!!!" He exclaims. "Guys!!!"

Clint is already taking a drag, the burning end of the joint lights up, hiding the proud grin on his face. He sucks the smoke in and blows it out in a soft chuckle. "Stop acting like a prude. I know how kinky you are!" He says while sitting on the bed and holding the joint to Tony's mouth.

Tony lets out a surprised laugh as he takes his first drag and almost chokes because of it. "Not that much actually..." He says with a broken voice while puffing out the smoke through his nose. He keeps playing with the contents of the box, taking out the weirdest stuff and examining it with the precision of a scientist. 

Clint lies down next to him and crosses his arms behind his head. "Don't tell me that you and Steve never spice up your sex life with a little extra once in a while!"

Tony shrugs. "We don't!" He exclaims, taking another drag and blowing the smoke in front of him. It's already starting to take effect. Time feels slower and he wants to giggle with no reason. 

"Not even a small dildo from time to time? A butt plug?"

Tony shakes his head as he gives the joint back to Clint. "Nope."

"I can't believe, you of all people, wouldn't use sex toys."

Tony smiles while shaking another double-ended dildo, a bigger one. "I don't even own one." 

"I don't believe you." 

"I swear I don't!" He defends himself. Tony has never been into plastic. He likes the warmth of another human being too much. "Steve might have a couple of them, I don't know... we never use them together."

The thing is, they probably did everything in reverse, Tony thinks. They started rough and kinky but as they became more serious and more intimate, Tony has learnt how to be gentle and also how to _accept_ gentle loving touches. Steve taught him. He taught him everything and tenderness grew more and more important in their sex life. They're pretty vanilla, he realizes. He never thought it was boring though.

Clint rolls on the side and gets closer to Tony, looking interested. "Never been double-fucked?" He asks innocently. "You should try it, it's nice. Pretty sure Steve would love it."

The question was innocent but felt like a dagger. Tony was suddenly thrown back into a world he thought he had been able to escape. He didn't think such a simple question could affect him like that. Not after all these years. He didn't think he would ever feel bad about it either. It must be the weed, and the alcohol, it makes him hypersensitive, all his senses are enhanced. It must be that, because his heart is suddenly racing in his chest and he feels a cold drop of sweat trickling down his spine. He shivers all over, although it's imperceptible. Too many things he wishes he could forget come back in flashes. He sits back in a jerk, trying to catch his breath. His head is spinning. He didn't want to remember... 

"There's hardly anything I haven't done before." He chokes out and his voice comes out hoarse and broken. 

Clint sits up next to him and curls a hand around his neck. He presses gently on the nape of his neck, brushing his thumb up and down in a comforting gesture. "Are you alright?" He asks worriedly. 

Tony is not. Not at this precise moment. He feels like retching. But he's not going to let this take away his fun. He leans into Clint's embrace and drops his head in the crook of his neck. Clint catches his face with his warm hand and nuzzles against him. He's still holding the joint in between his fingers and they smell like pot. Tony doesn't care. "I'm sorry, Tony. I didn't mean it like that. You know I'll never judge you, right?"

Clint doesn't know anything about Tony's past, _no-one_ knows. Only Steve... Yet, Clint understands. He understands him better than Steve does sometimes. He knows Clint will never judge him, that's what he likes about him, but he can't help seeing the pain in Steve's eyes and knows how fucked up he is.

He raises his head and stares into Clint's eyes. "You really think Steve'd like that?" There is half a second of puzzlement in Clint's eyes before he grins widely. Tony tries to mirror his grin and snatches the joint from his hand. He takes a long drag before handing it back to him and turns his head to blow the smoke out of his way. "Maybe we should try new things."

"You can borrow some of our stuff if you want." Clint suggests before taking a drag himself and lying back on the bed. 

Tony laughs. "No thanks! I think I can buy my own sex toys, thank you."

Clint shrugs and mumbles, pretending to be upset, and failing, what with the huge grin on his face. "I would have disinfected them..."

"I haven't finished snooping into that box anyway. That could give me ideas."

Clint slightly raises his head from the cushions and opens an amused eye to him. "Suits yourself." He blurts out croakily, feeling absolutely no shame at all.

Tony was already rummaging through the box anyway. Among the bottles of poppers, the dildos of all shapes and sizes, the ball gag, etc, he picks up a big plastic jar containing a slimy translucent lubricant that he knows exactly the use for. He opens it and takes some in his hand, looking at the substance as the sticky thing shines and slides down his fingers. He giggles again. "Guys? I'll never look at you the same way." Clint glances at him again and smothers a laugh. He lets escape a soft chuckle anyway. He must be pretty stoned too, Tony thinks. He puts the jar and all the toys back into the box and lies down on the bed next to his friend, feeling the reassuring warmth of him. "Okay, I don't even wanna know who's using that on who..."

Clint laughs again and takes another drag. "Good. I wasn't planning to tell anyway." He rolls around on his side and turns to Tony. Tony realizes how close he is and how blue his eyes are, almost as blue as Steve, and his eyes linger on the light blond stubble on his face. "Come here." Clint says huskily and puts the burning side of the joint into his own mouth. Tony inches closer and parts his lips before closing his eyes, feeling suddenly awkward due to the closeness. Clint blows back the smoke into his mouth and Tony feels it burn his lungs as he swallows it. His friend really didn't skimp on the weed.

They're both completely high when Tony opens his eyes. He giggles softly and wiggles against Clint, seeking the warmth of his body. He stares at his stubble again, picking up things where he had left them off. His finger traces a line on his jaw and Tony stares at the way his mouth is slightly curled up at the corners and then he stares at his teeth that he can barely see. He's horny, he realizes, and knows he tends to be when he's feeling uneasy. It's a defense mechanism. Getting intoxicated didn't dull the discomfort in his heart. He wonders how it would feel like, comfort sex with Clint. Objectively speaking Clint is hot. In Tony's standards anyway. He wouldn't mind fucking Clint right now. Fuck and forget.

Sex has always taken up a lot of space in Tony's life. It used to be a lot of things to him. An escape from his own reality. Sometimes a weapon, sometimes a tool to take control or to use or manipulate people, a mean to get what he wanted... but also a source of comfort and a way to hurt himself. In therapy he's been trying to work on that, trying to consider sex as what it is, _sex._ Just enjoying yourself with a consenting partner. It's still hard for Tony not to put more into it. Except with Steve. Steve helps him do that. With Steve sex in an act of love. Nothing else. Most of the time, at least.

Clint's blue eyes have an unusual glow in them. He smiles and puts a hand on Tony's mouth. "Okay, baby Stark..." He slurs with a raspy voice. "Stop looking at me like that." Has Tony been looking at him inappropriately? It wouldn't be the first time. People tend to get the wrong message. It's not his fault, or maybe it is and Tony is just a dirty, horny slut that can't help making passes at people. "Not that the prospect of making out with you right now sounds unpleasant, you're very pretty and you know it... but I don't think either of us actually _wants_ to do that. Especially not when our respective partners are just on the other side of that door."

Clint's eyes are lewd, Tony notices, and he's fidgety. And then Tony notices how his own finger has been sliding down Clint's chest, brushing his tense muscles with a knucklebone. 

He yanks his hand away as if he'd been burnt and turns on his back. He suddenly feels a lump constricting his throat and the need to cry. He's shuddering.

Why would he want to cry now? How shameful! It must be the weed. Tony's not used to it anymore. "I'm sorry." He tries to say with a hoarse, broken voice. The words scorch his throat as he utters them. "Don't know why I did that. I didn't mean it." He has some troubles seeing straight, his head's spinning around him.

Clint brings a gentle hand to his face and cups it gently. "It's alright." He says reassuringly. "I don't know what's up with you tonight but maybe _that—"_ He takes a last drag from the joint and smash it in the ashtray on the nightstand. "—wasn't the best of our ideas." He brushes a finger on Tony's cheek and gives him a gentle smile. Tony lets his friend comfort him as the latter sits him up and cradles him into a protective embrace. Tony drops his head, or hides himself, into his neck. Everything is blurry and his heart is racing a little too fast, probably. And if he's been crying a little, well... no-one says anything about it. The good thing is, he might not remember about it tomorrow. Some silver lining. 

Clint just comforts him silently and waits until he feels better.

"We've had sex once." Tony blurts out casually, he doesn't even know why. "And I don't remember any of it." His voice comes out rasp. Maybe the realization stung a little.

After all those years, all those lunches they had together, just the two of them, they've never mentioned it. Not even hinted at it once. Clint flinches a little but keeps cuddling him. "I did a lot of shit in the past, Tony. _That_ clearly is on the list of things I would have never done in hindsight." He mutters softly. "I'm so sorry." He adds.

Tony shrugs. He doesn't know what Clint is sorry about. He's never thought of it as something that needs apologizing for, not to _him_ anyway. He dug his own grave and he's not proud of it either but not because of the sex thing, nor because he might have died that night. Because of Steve. Because it _hurt_ Steve. Because he antagonized Steve then. _That_ he remembers, and that was the last thing he actually wanted to do and he doesn't know why he would purposely do something like this. Something in him is too rotten for Steve's pure unsullied hands. It's at times like this that he remembers.

"Besides," Clint continues with a mischievous smile. "Someone still dreams about murdering me because of it."

Tony chuckles and breaks away from the warmth of Clint's embrace. He wipes his face with his two hands. 

"Do you want me to tell you what happened?" Clint asks in a serious tone, still pressing his shoulder with a heavy hand. "Although it's kinda blurry in my head too." 

He'd rather not. He's fine not knowing. He knows what Steve thinks but he can take responsibility for his own choices. He shakes his head and stands up. He suddenly has the urge to see his boyfriend. It's all very confusing and his right hand is still shaky. There's something missing.

He puts his boots back on and tries to stand straight. He hardly succeeds. He turns to his friend who's still sitting on the bed, reclining on his arms, and grins at him. "You really need to make that bedroom childproof. 'cause _that's_ gonna be a problem in the future." He points at the box, tries to anyway, and flashes Clint a wide and mischievous smile. Clint laughs and shakes his head while Tony wobbles to the door. His friend follows him in a relatively similar state. His head hurts a little but it's nothing another drink can't fix. He's fine now and grinning without purpose. He doesn't think he can see or walk straight but he can see and he can walk, so there's that. He feels light-headed, that's all that matters. 

The light in the living room is a little blinding and his gaze searches for Steve. He immediately focuses on his boyfriend and stares at him. He definitely— _definitely—_ needs to put some distance between Steve and that Loki guy. He makes a beeline for the couch, staggering a little— _who cares?_ —and forces Steve and Loki to move apart to slouch between the two of them. He turns to Steve first and catches his mouth in a hot, filthy kiss. 

Steve melts into it at first, slightly taken aback, but then he pushes him away, frowning a little. "You stink, Tony." Then he studies him a little and shakes his head a little desperately. "I can't believe you and Clint would just sneak out to smoke pot behind our backs. That is so immature. Even for you." Tony giggles stupidly and glances knowingly at Clint who's currently sitting on his husband's lap and cuddling him under Thor's amused stare. Steve rolls his eyes but he doesn't look angry, or maybe Tony is too drunk to care at the moment. He snuggles against his boyfriend and lets his natural charm do the rest. Steve curls an arm around his waist and stuffs something warm and tasty in his mouth. "Eat something at least."

Tony complies sheepishly and his hazy gaze turns to Loki. Their eyes lock into each other. Loki is smirking and takes a swig of his drink. His eyes are glimmering with something mischievous. He says something that sounds like he's congratulating them. Tony doesn't remember why he hates him. He observes him. He doesn't even know this guy in fact. He just knows he's supposed to hate him. Maybe he should try to get to know him. Yeah, that's probably what he should do and mostly, he should increase the distance between him and Steve.

When his mouth is empty again, Tony decides to take action. He splays his hand on Loki's knee and leans into his personal space, staring right into his eyes.

He flashes his most alluring smile. "Hi, I'm Tony. I'm Steve's boyfriend."

Loki startles at first and then he chuckles softly, happy to play the part. "Hi, Tony. Very nice to meet you."

Seducing is second nature to Tony. He's in his comfort zone, it's like being home again after a long travel abroad. Loki is not indifferent, he can see it. Even though he pretends to be amused. Something lewd glimmers in his green eyes. 

Tony knows he's pretty and he knows how to use this to his advantage. He's learnt about his sex appeal at a really young age and he's proud to say now, even if he's aged, that very few resist his natural charm. Loki isn't one of those obviously. He wriggles uncomfortably on his butt, looking slightly unsettled for a moment but he still grins at him and melts into the touch. Up for the challenge. Tony's wondering though, if Loki would want Tony to fuck him or the other way around. Personally, if, by some weird chain of circumstances, in some other world where he doesn't belong to Steve, the opportunity would present itself to Tony, he wouldn't mind either way.

"So," Tony starts. "I don't know anything about you. What have you been up to lately?"

Loki drinks a swig of his beer and averts his eyes to avoid Tony's intense gaze on him. He flashes an indecipherable smile at Tony and shakes his head slowly. "Nothing much."

"What are you doing back here, alone? Taking extended holidays?"

"Well," Loki starts, grinning sheepishly. He still can't look at Tony in the eye. "I guess I needed a change."

"I see... Is that something that you do? I heard you're not the type to settle down." His words are purposely hoarse and husky. He lowers his voice and gives Loki his most innocent gaze, never letting go of his eyes. "I like that." He adds, scooting closer and grabbing his shirt possessively. He is sliding his fingers down along the lapel, brushing the man's slender torso in the process. Loki's smile is fond, a glimpse of something sorrowful runs across his eyes however, but Tony is much too drunk to pay attention. And maybe he doesn't care one bit. 

He also knows that Steve is looking at them. His boyfriend is a little confused maybe but mostly annoyed. Maybe that's why Loki is acting with restraint.

Loki delicately takes Tony's hand off him but doesn't push him away. "I heard that too." He says and chuckles softly. "Too much maybe... I'm wondering if I didn't end up believing it eventually." His answer unsettles Tony for a moment.

"I didn't mean it as a bad thing though."

Loki shrugs. "I know you didn't." He takes another swig of his beer and gives him a gentle smile. Tony's curiosity is suddenly aroused.

"Is that something you'd like to change?" He asks but this time it's genuine. "Maybe it just needs finding the right place, or the right person." His heart flutters when he thinks about his boyfriend right next to him, chatting with Clint and Bucky.

Loki's eyes shines with a different glow. "Maybe..." He rasps. "I thought I had though...found the right person."

_Oh._

Tony feels something weird inside, maybe it's the melancholy in Loki's eyes. He glances at Steve behind him. Steve is still annoyed with him, he glares back and turns away, ignoring Tony.

"Didn't work out with him?" He asks, heart racing a little.

Loki chuckles. "I guess _she_ thought that too, especially after I lost my job."

Tony flinches back and parts his lips. He stares at him silently, dumbfounded. The atmosphere is suddenly heavy, almost forlorn. "I'm sorry..." Tony whispers with a broken voice. He keeps staring but this time he really _looks_ at him. He looks at the pain in his eyes, at the strained smile he's trying to keep gentle, at the way his hand clenches around his beer. Loki stares back at him with a soft and fond expression. "I could help you though." Tony blurts, because he can't help himself. "I mean, about the job thing, obviously. Can't help you with the other thing but I can... I can give you some money or... or help you find a place to stay. I—I could give you a job if you needed... probably. There's probably something that needs your qualifications... or your skills, whatever. I'm pretty sure I could find you something." He keeps rambling because he feels awkward and like a rich asshole and tends to do that when he's uncomfortable. "I mean, obviously, there is at least _something_ I can do. If you ever... If you need. It'd be nothing to me. Nothing at all."

Loki smiles and this time it is genuinely happy. "That's really nice and generous of you..." Loki mutters softly. "But I can fight my own battles."

Tony feels something acrid inside. He hates it when there's nothing he can do to fix things. He's the one who averts his eyes now. He looks away and his eyes fall on his trembling hand. 

He stares back up at Loki when he can feel the slight brush of his knuckles on his cheek. Loki is smiling gently at him. "You're really very cute Tony Stark." He says with an amused glint in his eyes. He glances behind Tony for half-second. "You and Steve make a sweet couple. I'm happy for you."

Tony is speechless and he can feel an inconspicuous blush creeping on his face. He hates the slightly condescending look in Loki's eyes but at the same time, his touch electrified him. Did Loki just beat him at his own game? He's a little puzzled and he doesn't know what to think anymore and he's much too high anyway.

His heart is pounding now and he wants to cry for no reason. He sits back into the couch and tries to pour himself another drink. His feelings are too raw, he needs the numbness. Except the warm and gentle hand of his boyfriend stops him half-way. He turns his head on the side, startled, and is met with a glaring frown.

"You've had enough for tonight." His boyfriend snaps curtly. 

Tony doesn't protest. He's too tired, too depressed to fight him now. He feels a slight shudder shaking him however. His jaw clenches and maybe his nose is flaring a little. He grinds his teeth. His hand is still trembling. It takes a lot of his will power, especially in his current state, not to yank his boyfriend's hand away. Instead he just stands up and leaves the room. He needs some fresh air.

He goes to Clint and Bucky's small balcony and clutches the railing with too much strength. He needs to breathe. Every time he releases the railing, his hand trembles with the need to hold something. It used to be his way-out. Now that he smoked something again after three months of abstinence his entire body craves for it. It's a reflex, a conditioned response. It feels like nothing else can help him calm down the uneasiness growing in his heart and his flesh. He wishes he could scream it out, beat it out of him. He wishes Steve hadn't stopped him from drinking more. Alcohol soothes the side-effects of withdrawal symptoms and his anxiety and his depressive thoughts and it dulls his memory. Why isn't it enough? There are so many things he wishes he could forget. 

He pulls on the railings, stretching his legs, and looks down. The height is dizzying. His head is spinning anyway. He's still drunk and stoned and the combination doesn't seem to suit him well tonight. He's restless and queazy. There's a growing lump in his throat, he feels like crying it out but stops himself and feels like a failure. He looks down again and lets the void absorb him. He's got trouble keeping his breathing steady. He sounds a little panicky. He wants to jump. It's a recurrent thought. One he had for decades. Not a thing he would ever act on though. It's just the idea of it, of jumping off and be free, feel the fresh air hurting his lungs and blinding his eyes, feel the gravity and air pressure on all his limbs. He wishes he could jump out and fly away but he knows that in the real world, not suit of armor will catch him in flight.

There's someone behind him. The opening door snapped him out of his reveries. He doesn't turn around and prays for it to be Clint. Clint would comfort him and say nothing and wouldn't judge. He feels a warm hand on his back but it's not Clint.

It's Steve. And his boyfriend wraps himself around him silently and presses his head on his back, right between his shoulder blades. He says nothing but his hands curl around Tony's sides and squeeze him tight.

Tony can finally breathe. Steve's presence behind him, all around him, soothes him and all his upsetting thoughts ebb away slowly. Only the warmth of their bodies remains. Tony leans into the embrace and grabs his boyfriend's hand to entangle their fingers together.

"I love you." Steve mumbles into the fabric of Tony's shirt.

Tony's lips unintentionally quirk up. "I'm wasted." He answers, playing with his boyfriend's thin fingers. Steve chuckles against his back and Tony feels the rumble resonate in his entire body.

"Yeah, I noticed." His boyfriend says and for once, he doesn't sound judgmental. "It's alright." 

Tony tugs on Steve's arm to bring him in front of him and wraps his arms around his small built. He hides his face into his neck. "I'm sorry..." He grumbles shamefully. 

Steve's hands tighten around him and his touch ignites every cell in Tony's body. He's on fire. Who said he had a size kink? His boyfriend's shape fits so perfectly in his arms. He never wanted more. He hides some more into Steve's neck and breathes his scent in. Steve smells amazing but it might a side effect of alcohol. Tony isn't sure.

"Someone's happy to see me..." Steve says teasingly and Tony realizes he's poking at his boyfriend with his boner. 

"Natural conditioning." He replies and Steve laughs softly against Tony's chest. 

Then he steps back and looks up into his eyes. He brings a warm and soothing hand to Tony's cheek. "Tony, I never told you but... " His expression is worryingly serious and Tony's heart skips a beat. "I'm so proud of you."

Okay, that was unexpected. But nice.

Steve's hand keeps fondling Tony's cheek. "I know how much you're struggling. And frankly, when I asked you stop, I never thought you'd take it so seriously. I know you haven't smoked one cigarette since that day on the rooftop. And it's okay if you're tired or if you need to chill out or if you'd rather stay home and rest... or work. I know you're doing this for me, Tony, and I wanna say that..." Steve grabs Tony's face with both hands and looks at him with hesitancy. "that moving in with you was one of the best decisions I've made in my life. Just like every forward step I took in our relationship. You make me so happy, baby." 

A shiver runs down his spine and he grabs one of Steve's hands in his and parts his lips in puzzlement. Steve answers him with a gentle smile. His eyes are playful. 

"What I mean is..." Steve carries on. "It's okay for you to get smashed and smoke pot once in while. You're allowed not to be perfect and It's okay if you fail sometimes." He grins proudly, probably at Tony's startled face. "I don't _want_ you to be perfect... because I'm obviously not." Steve's eyes are intense on him and he pinches his lips, expression turning suddenly serious. "Just..." He averts his eyes, perhaps to hide the concern in them. "Don't replace one addiction with another, please. I know you..."

Tony tightens his embrace around him and lets out a long sigh of relief. "I won't." He promises. And Tony holds on his promises. 

Steve soft hands slide up around his neck and he tiptoes to catch Tony's mouth into a hot and wet languorous kiss. Everything inside Tony turns into mush and he's on fire again. his boyfriend tiptoeing to claim him is just the hottest thing ever. 

Steve comes back down again and looks at him, maybe to say something, but he kisses him again instead. And they kiss and kiss and kiss again until they're both breathless. Tony had been horny for quite a while anyway.

"Also," Steve starts. His eyes twinkle in the moonlight and he's so fucking beautiful at that moment. His smile is splendid. "You don't have to flirt with Loki or Clint to get my attention, you know... 'cause I'm always looking at you."

Tony chuckles and feels his cheeks warm up. "Loki's hot." He just says in his defense.

"Yeah, I can't trust that." Steve replies jokingly. "You'd fuck about anything even remotely looking like a human."

Tony feels a sudden and unexpected pang in his chest. He thinks his smile faded a little and swallows with difficulty. That's not something Tony has ever been ashamed of. He honestly doesn't think there's something wrong with being promiscuous and he's never judged anyone for it. But those words, in Steve's mouth, when he's looking at him like that... they make him feel dirty and something unsettling pools in his stomach.

Steve notices, because he drops the attitude and his smile grows worried. He brings a soft thumb to Tony's face and brushes it softly against his cheek, wishing Tony's anxious thoughts away. It works a little. "I'm sorry, Tony. I didn't mean it like that. I'm sorry. I just wanted to say that..." He plunges his baby blues in Tony's eyes, intent and determined, and licks his lips hesitatingly. Tony's a little bewildered. "I love you and... I don't care about anything else. You're the only one who really matters to me."


End file.
